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Grief is a normal response to the difficult experience of divorce. Even in the most amicable situations, there are losses to acknowledge. The process of experiencing the emotions that come with those losses, expressing feelings, and eventually learning and growing from them comprises divorce grief.
By addressing the losses that come with divorce, it is possible to work through the ongoing and often conflicting emotions that arise and find ways to get through the most painful parts.
This article will discuss the typical grieving process and the framework of stages of grief. It offers tips for getting through a divorce and information about when professional help may be needed.
Grief isn't something that only occurs after a death, and people grieve in many different situations. Some types of non-death losses would include:
When going through a divorce or ending a significant relationship, grieving allows people to work through their thoughts and feelings. One reason grieving through a divorce can be complicated is that—unlike grief after a death—both people are still physically present.
This type of loss is called ambiguous loss. It can actually make processing feelings and finding new meaning even more complicated than with grief after a death, because it's a less straightforward loss.
Navigating through the ambiguous losses that result when a relationship ends is often not straightforward and can come with feelings of guilt, ambivalence, and blame by others. This can make grieving difficult and more drawn out, as it comes with both tangible losses, like money, and intangible losses, like identity.
Grieving after a divorce is about paying attention to the feelings that arise and understanding their impact to find ways to cope with them. Feelings that are ignored may come back up or manifest in new ways eventually.
Emotions and feelings may be most intense when the divorce is decided upon, during the process of separation, or even after the divorce has been finalized. You may have come to terms with the fact that you will only see your children every other week, but feelings of anger, sadness, frustration, and loneliness could still bubble up on occasion.
Other feelings like guilt, regret, helplessness, and resentment are also common. Divorce grief should be thought of as a process, rather than a series of steps to get through or boxes to check off. They may follow a pattern first identified in 1969 by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, author of "On Death and Dying."
These five stages of grief, sometimes called "DABDA," are still considered valid, with some modifications or additional insights as well as theories that run counter to the five stages. Keep in mind that people have different experiences with grief and DABDA is just one model of grief.
Denial may be your first response as divorce becomes a reality. When faced with divorce, death, or other significant life changes, grieving can begin with a refusal to accept the truth about a job loss, medical diagnosis, or (in the case of divorce) the end of a relationship and family structure.
The denial stage of divorce-related grief can begin even as problems in a marriage are ignored rather than addressed. People want to believe an outcome other than divorce is possible.
Some people may experience anger toward a life partner as a first stage of grief in divorce. The anger may extend to friend groups or family members if you seek allies in taking sides about whose "fault" the divorce is. It also could be directed at yourself.
Anger can lead to intimate partner violence due to the relationship ending or become a risk factor in future relationships. While anger is common, one study found that sadness over the life changes involved with a breakup was much stronger at the time it occurred than either anger or anxiety.
In the bargaining stage of grief, people may try to establish a sense of control by "negotiating" the reality of their situation. People diagnosed with a terminal illness may vow to change if only they might be spared; likewise, people faced with divorce may try to find a way to avoid an inevitable outcome.
Promises to be a better partner or parent, lose weight, quit drinking, or get a better job may follow as you seek ways to "save" a relationship. Or, you may begin the hard work of negotiating the terms of a divorce while bargaining about finances and where you'll live.
Depression follows the realization that the divorce will be a part of your life or already has occurred. It is a common response but not the same as prolonged grief disorder, though symptoms may seem similar.
People typically experience a sense of loneliness, rejection, and failure. Some experts who adhere to the Kübler-Ross model note that depression is necessary for acceptance to occur.
Some people achieve acceptance after processing their feelings of sadness, uncertainty, and loss. Others accept the reality of divorce but continue to express resentment or bitterness. People typically move through these five cycles of grief in ways that aren't linear and continue working toward their future.
The dual process model of coping describes grief as an ongoing process that moves back and forth between the pain of loss, the strength of carving a new path and building a new identity, and living everyday life. After about six months, most people have passed through the most intense feelings that come with grief, although there are still times when these feelings occur.
Complicated grief is sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder, with symptoms lasting more than 12 months after death, divorce, or other significant loss. Symptoms include:
There is ongoing distress with intense feelings of anger, sadness, and other emotions.
Most people are resilient and able to work through their grief. It's normal to experience the painful feelings that come with separation and divorce for a long time. However, if the intensity of the grieving process does not get easier with time or grieving gets in the way of your ability to enjoy life and carve a new identity, it may be helpful to talk to a mental health professional. A therapist can help with processing the losses associated with divorce and coping with the painful feelings that surround it.
Building resilience after a divorce means finding ways to cope with the feelings around the loss and eventually finding new meaning and identity.
You'll want to rely on a support system that may include friends, family, or other people you trust. Here are some other ways to move through a divorce or separation in a healthy way:
Though divorce looks different for everyone, grieving is a healthy and natural way to experience related losses and to begin to process the emotions and changes they bring.
There is likely to be a period when feelings are most intense, followed by a period when the most difficult times are balanced by finding a new identity. With some intentional actions to work through the worst parts of divorce grief, it's possible to find new meaning and build a new life.
No matter how amicable or difficult the decision to separate, ending a relationship is a big loss and requires patience, self-care, and time. If you feel like things just aren't getting better, it may be helpful to consult with a mental health professional.
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
By Melissa Porrey LPC, NCC
Porrey is a licensed professional counselor and writer based in DC. She is a nationally board-certified counselor.
